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"What to do with my Aging Parent"
or
"A lesson in letting go"

(c) LWM Feb.2004

A lesson in letting Go

Many of us in our early to late 40's are having to deal with a rather difficult and approaching problem. What to do with our parents as their health fails and their minds find other realms to work from. This is a harsh and difficult decision and one that truly plays havoc with the heart and soul. .

Should we place our life on hold and take care of them, should we place them in a home? Should we take over responsibility of them ???? Are we selfish to want our own life's, are we "bad" sons or daughters if we donít take them in? Will they think we donít love them, donít we owe them that much at least? AhhhÖ.. the guilt is overwhelming and the emotions are staggering.

But let us step outside of the guilt and emotions for one minute and think on the lessons in this turn of the Wheel. Let us see this for what it is a lesson in letting go for you and for them. A lesson in respecting the life of another as it evolves and changes. Now that doesnít mean you donít still see them or take them out when you can. It doesnít mean you forget them in any way shape or form. It only means that you do not take over their life, you do not intervene in what the next step of the changing wheel is. That you find the balance in this situation (painful that it is), and work from there, what is best for you both.

You continue to hold out your loving and respectful hand and allow the natural changes to occur. You allow them to move on with life in as much dignity as society allows. If this means that their next step in life is to move into a care facility (if that be a nursing facility or a minimum care apartment) You allow this! For it is still the life of the Mother or Father (not yours.) It still the same loving and independent person as before, just older or with an illness. They still have dreams to dream and wants and needs, but what they need most is your ability to let them move on in the natural progression of time and to let goÖ To continue to see them as a person of worth, to be respected, not just someone who now has to be taken care of as a child. They would also wish that you learn to let go of the guilt at what you perceive is being a non caring and loving son or daughter, because you cant live up to the expectations you think they have for you in this situation.

How, you say, do you do this with success? You do not force what you think is best on them, for is that not taking away their rights to choose and is that not a violation of the Harm Ye None rule. If they are not able to make decisions then you turn to those professional who are best informed in this area and ask them what would be the best course of action for your parent.

Dear Ones, if by now in your life your parents donít know that you love them and what is in your heart then you have many more issues than where to place them as they age and get ready to cross over.

In this case and in this lesson you are getting ready to release the soul of another as they age and prepare to cross the veils. It is a very hard lesson in letting go and most of it boils down to what you really believe happens to the soul after the crossing. If you believe in the Summerland (or the Christian Heaven for that matter) then you know the soul essence continues. This is not the end for those who cross and they are returned to their higher self (in perfection of who they are, not broken minds or bodies twisted with age, simple perfection.) If you know the truth of the matter and have etched it deeply into your heart, you know that you will not ever loose them. That you can speak to them on the astral and dreamtime any time you wish, That you will reunite with them again when your turn of the wheel comes. So there should be no sadness in the coming event as they age. It is only a time of loving, sharing and readying oneself for what is to come. Trying to hang on to them in the physical, ignoring the true facts as they get older and their condition worsens, does nothing but make the inevitable harsher for you and is a general waste of time. You could be talking, sharing, laughing and loving during this time, even celebrating their life, not feeling guilt and wearing yourself out because you think you know what is best for them. Allow them to live the life they have! Allow them to grow old with dignity and self-respect.

Consider this loving parent that you are keeping in your home, you know the one with Alzheimer's or the one who is so weak they cant sit up or even the one who needs feeding and watching constantly. Is this how the parent who raised you would want you to live? Is this how they would want you to cling to them? Is this how they would want you to spend your life with them as they walk in a confused haze unsure of who they are or their age or even what year it is? Inside they know you love them and that it would be best for all concerned that they were placed in a facility that allowed them to journey down this road in safety and in security. Where people are trained for this sort of work and you are not exhausted from working, caring and trying to remain the "good" daughter or son. You can still see them, take them out and even have them home now and again, as you will, but you know they are ok and so are you. This is part of the releasing in this lesson and many just seem to never make it to this step.

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Hospice

Now if your parent is coherent and is ready to cross over and you wish to spend the last few days (months) with them there is nothing wrong with this. There is hospice where professionals trained in helping come in, thus once again teaching you release as you allow others to help and do also. Yet this time spent also helps in the finalization of the crossing journey for everyone involved. There is lots shared and said and celebrate. It is a good way for both of you to prepare if you feel the want or need to do this.

There are those who can not for various reasons do this for a coherent parent who is ill and ready to go. This is ok also the circumstances will not allow for it, you can still do all the above just from a hospital bed or from a facility where they are being cared for. There should be no guilt involved and no shame for not being able to do all that you think is expected of you. Offer only that which you can do and let it goÖThis is after all a lesson in letting go.

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My parent demands more

Now I know many of you are saying "ok thatís fine, but mom cries when I leave her and it breaks my heart" or "Dad keeps asking for me to take him home" What can I do? Once more step outside of the words, emotions and guilty pain. Look at what is happening. You are not the only one learning to release here. You are not the only one learning to let go and above all you are not the only one frightened and scared. Take there hands tell them you love them, assure them you will return and explain why you cant do what they request. Tell them that this is their journey and you will be there beside them as much as you can be, they in the end must be the ones to learn this lesson.

I know it sounds hokey but it works, even to the parents minds who isn't always clear. It may need to be said over and over but they are still in there. They hear what we are saying and not saying, they feel our love and sense our caring and they just need reassurance that we love them and will not forget them, Tell them!

However do not allow what they say in their fear to change what is right for you and for them, they are individuals just as before and they have to learn lessons also. This lesson may well in the end place them in the hands of the God as He escorts them to the Lady, let them know how secure you are in this not being the end and that you will all be together again.

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For yourself

On this journey as you spend time and energy focused on the parent donít forget what may be going on with you. You may be in denial, or feel anger, sadness or even wish to bargain with the Lady and Lord for just a little more time with the loved one and even acceptance. Your emotions will feel like a roller coaster ride as you slide in and out of these feelings at any given moment. You may be physically exhausted and depressed, you may cry or laugh hysterically over nothing. This may interfere with your work and life and you may even wish to consult a professional counselor or such if it gets to be to much for you. Also during this time there are metaphysical things you can try to help you.

You can carry a drop or two of any of these oils on a handkerchief and sniff it if you feel sadness during the day Rose oil, Lily of the Valley oil, Apple Blossom oil. Any of these oils scents are used in aromatherapy to aid in relieving sadness. Just close your eyes and take a sniff or two, take a deep breath and allow all the confusion and sadness to leave your body. Focus center and ground, you are once more in balance.

There are also stones to help in this difficult lesson which can be carried and help to aid in relieving the following emotions. There are other stones but these will give you some direction and they are easy to work with;

Denial

Carnelian
Anger Moss Agate
Depression Snow Flake Obsidian
Acceptance Amethyst
To Regain Hope & Balance Moonstone

Also donít be afraid to go to the Lady and speak with Her. Try this meditation. Now here is the step by step procedure, remember to visualize, as this is a needed key to success.

1. Find a comfortable place to relax. Remove any restrictive clothing or jewelry (watches, rings.) Make sure the phone is off the hook or cant be heard where you are. There's nothing worse then almost getting there to be interrupted by some person asking you if you are happy with your phone company. An added point, I like to make sure there's a glass of water close by and tissues, in case I start to cough just to be safe.

2. Close your eyes and begin to breathe in through your nose. Visualize pure positive energies entering your body.

3. Exhale through your mouth, seeing all the Trouble your spirit has been feeling leaving. Continue this for a few deep breaths.

4. As you continue to breath deeply and see yourself in your favorite spot with your physical (Mom or Dad.) Greet them and speak with them and have fun for a few minutes.

5. See the Lady of Light come in and hear Her voice. Allow Her to speak with you both as She helps you explain to your (mom or dad) what the reality of the situation is. Why they are placed where they are and what you can offer to do for them. Spend time telling each other your feelings and your fears.

6. Then allow the Lady to heal both your pains, fears, hurts and hearts.

7. Now take a few minutes, just you and the physical (mom or dad,) doing something that you loved to do together. Remember a favorite event and talk about it or actually do it together once more. Go wherever you both like best and say what ever you need to.

8. Finally the Lady will call you both back to Her and you go. She will tell you that you are both her children and that you must both be happy in life. That this cycle of the wheel is not to cause pain to either of you in any way and is just part of the ever turning seasons. That you (the child) must live and experience your lessons and your (the parent) must live and experience theirs as well. That all are loved by Her, unconditionally, and that any time either one of you wishes to contact each other you are welcome to do so here or in the dreamtime.

9. With a kiss on each forehead, She sends you both home.

10. You return to your body, your heart lighter and your balance clearer. You ground and focus and are ready to face another day in this journey.

If you continue to have trouble a lot of problems in the letting go of this soul, so much so it begins to interfere with the quality of your life (not seeing friends, work begins to suffer and so on.) I suspect that you have trouble of letting go in many other places (major control issues seeping in???) in your life and you need to really do some introspection here as well, to see where and why. Maybe even seek professional help in this if you cant seem to root the core out yourself.

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I choose for my parent to live with me and all is in balanceNow let us address those few others out there who have prepared for this eventuality in life. They are ready and have made the hard decisions which may include having the parent move in with them and they take care of them. This is perfectly ok too. IF (big if) it has been agreed by both (and all are in coherent frames of mind.) As long as the child (who now takes on a new role of caretaker) is not feeling overwhelmed or guilty then life is in balance and all is as it should be. It is only when emotions start to get in the way of everyday functioning and the balanced harmonious self is "out of whack" that one must look closely at the decision made and see if they are in the best interest of ALLinvolved and not just one person.

Well Dear Ones, I do hope this helps. I hope that you get some understanding and strength from this writing as this is a difficult subject in the very least. That you know that the Goddess or God will not think you selfish, unkind or cruel when you give only what you can to your parent. That They want happiness for both of you not exhaustion, pain and weariness. That this lesson of letting go is hard for everyone but it can be dealt with successfully and with the loving guidance of the Lady and Lord you can help your parent age and cross with the same self respect and dignity they had when they were young. Also that in learning this lesson you will see what it is you truly believe and it will help erase your fears as age creeps up on you (as it does us all.) :-)

Bright Blessings,

Forever In The Loving service Of Others,

Lady Wolfen Mists




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